No thought out title

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear

Found myself making every possible mistake

Listening to New Soul makes me think about now and then and all the mistakes I made and all of the bad things I felt while I was in high school. Having a physical appearance I didn't like made a lot of things really bad- self confidence, even having the will to go outside and talk to people, always having to hunch over and hide my face or put my hair back in a pony tail instead of wearing it how I would have liked, all of these things really just plain sucked. I accept now that it was my own fault that I let all of these bad things get in the way of my confidence and it wasn't my emotional problems that kept me from making friends, it was my own selfish mind keeping me from talking to anyone, from going outside after school hours, from talking to people just to talk to them.

I gave up on having a best friend my senior year because I saw that year as the last year of my school life, I saw it as the last time I was ever going to talk to anyone my own age and that sucked- as you can imagine. Still not having a license, not going outside, not talking to anyone except Ashley and Lauren, ignoring any opportunities to help strengthen my relationships- they were all things I did because I thought I wasn't pretty enough, I thought I was too loud, too ugly, too annoying, too everything negative. Pessimism was how I thought, negativity is what my mind fed off of. I know now that those are things not from God, they weren't trials but at the same time they were, they weren't things he wanted me to go through and they were just stupid thoughts in my mind keeping me from him. I wasn't happy then. I am now.

Going to college was a huge fear, as it is for everyone. I felt like I wasn't going to make friends and while my best friend was at the same university, I thought that after two weeks of being here she'd get sick of my and my loud personality and I wouldn't be able to get into that group of friends that had been established the year before. I was, obviously, very wrong. I forgot how amazing Kayla was because my senior year I hardly even talked to her, she was making new friends and I didn't want to get in the way, I wanted her to be happy and not have to deal with someone as annoying and whiny as me. I don't know if she sees my as annoying and whiny now (I'm pretty sure she doesn't, I think she would have gotten rid of me by now) but I know that she's the best friend a girl could ever ask for and the fact that she let someone as messed up as me back into her life full time was the most awesome thing that anyone could have ever done.

I have friends now, and more importantly, I have friends with high standards, that pick me up and help me along according not to whatever society or the modern situation tells them but according to what God has set for them as principles. I'm lucky, really, really lucky. Blessed is another word for it. At the testimonial at Campus Crusade last week, I was reminded that God was in control and no matter how crappy things get or how bad I feel, none of those feelings of loneliness, anger and suicide are from him. He wants to help, and I want him to help me. I'm glad I went to EWU and not CBC. Choosing not to be lazy in this one situation was the best thing I ever did and hopefully that ethic'll transfer over to my English 201 class which I have to write a paper for right now.

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake
But why all this hate? Try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make